It was just another night alone in his hotel room for Steven Page. He was on tour this winter, but had the day off and didn’t feel like doing much of anything. He went down to the variety store to pick up a few snacks. He got in his car and drove downtown to see what he could get.
“Ahh yes!” Steve exclaimed as he stepped outside his vehicle. “Good old Kappys has everything I need!”
Steve walked into the store and removed his sunglasses, which he quickly shoved into his pocket. He walked down each aisle and picked out everything he needed. Ruffled potato chips, onion dip, a twelve pack of beer, Fritos, Cheetos, and about seven or eight random candy bars.
“Wow!” Steve exclaimed. “I think I’m going to need a shopping basket!”
So Steve went to the front of the store and dumped out all his goodies inside a basket. After that, he proceeded to checkout.
“Hi, how are you sir?” asked the cashier. She looked up and saw Steve with all his snacks and beer. “Hey, aren’t you that guy from that band, Barenaked Ladies?” she asked.
Steve looked around. “Me? No…no I’m not.”
“Oh!” said the girl, “well, you look a lot like him!”
She rang up the food while Steve reached into his pocket to try and retrieve some money.
“That will be $13.75, sir.”
Steve pulled out his money and put it down on the counter.
“Oh, before I forget,” he said. “I’d also like a pack of Marlborough Lights and a package of Trojans.”
“Condoms?” the girl asked Steve with a confused look on her face.
“Yes, condoms!” snapped Steve. “What else do you think?”
“Sorry, what size?” asked the girl.
“Extra large.” Steve said shyly. He could hear the girl laughing under her breath.
“The new total is $19.98, sir” she said with a smirk.
Steve whipped out a $20 and told her to keep the change. He took his bag full of snacks, beer, condoms, and cigarettes and hurried back to his car. He set the bag down on the passenger side seat and took out the cigarettes. He reached in his pocket for a lighter.
“God damn!” Steve shouted. “Don’t tell me I have to go back in there to buy a damn lighter!”
He sat in the car with his hands tightly gripping the steering wheel, staring blindly at the road. After about five or six minutes, he was craving a cigarette so badly, he just had to go back in there to get a lighter. He got out of the car and walked back into the store. He saw the cashier look at him out of the corner of his eye.
“Yeah yeah yeah!” Steve said. “I’m back! I need a lighter.”
“OK” the girl replied. “They’re up here on the counter.
Steve walked over to the counter and looked at the empty box of lighters. There was one left, and coincidently, it said “I Love Men” on it. The girl looked at him like he was insane.
“It’s the only one left, ok?” he said rudely to the girl. He paid for it, and started walking towards the door. He got outside and went directly back into his car. He right away grabbed his pack of cigarettes and lit one up with his awesome “I Love Men” lighter.
“Mmmm” he moaned. “This tastes so good!”
He started up his car and started his drive back to the hotel
that he and the rest of the band were staying at. As soon as he got onto
the highway, his cell phone rang. He took one last drag of his cigarette
and threw the but out the window before he answered it.
It was Carolyn.
“Oh hi, honey! How are you?”
“Good.” She replied sharply. “I miss you a lot baby. I wish I was in Boston with you!”
“Oh me too!” said Steve. “But the kids really need you there in Toronto. I’ll be home within the next week or so!”
“What are you doing tonight?” she asked next. “You don’t have a show tonight do you?”
“Well,” Steve proceeded. “I think Jill just got here with Millie and Hazel, so I’m sure Ty will be planning to get his freak on with her. Kev and Jim said that they have something planned. I have no clue what Ed is up to, but I’ll probably end up hanging out with him. What about you?”
“I just got off the phone with Natalie,” she replied. “We are going out tonight and leaving all the kids with your parents.”
“Really?” Steve said, kind of shocked. “My mom and dad are willing to watch five kids tonight all by themselves?”
“Uh huh, they’re very generous aren’t they?”
Steve laughed. “I guess so, huh!”
There was a long pause.
“Well baby,” Steve broke the silence. “I’m almost back at the hotel now. My phone is starting to crack. Have fun tonight and tell the boys that I love them very much!”
He kissed the phone and put it down as he reached in his pocket
for another cigarette. He pulled into the hotel parking lot. He grabbed
his bag of snacks and headed up to his room while letting the valet park
He opened the door to his hotel room and dumped out all the contents of the bag onto the kitchen counter. He put the beer in the fridge and placed the condoms and the cigarettes on the night stand in the bedroom.
“Ah, I’m bored!” he said aloud. “I guess I’m just going to lay here and watch TV for awhile!”
So he went back into the kitchen to grab his bag of salty Fritos
and a beer and proceeded into the bedroom. He took off his pants and laid
back on the bed.
“Where the clicked for the damn TV?” he grumbled. He leaned over and saw it lying on the floor. He picked it up and quickly tuned into VH1 and started watching “Behind the Music” of the Beach Boys. He opened his bag of Fritos and opened his bottle of beer. He started dozing off.
“Eh, I don’t really feel like watching this anymore!” he said to himself.
So he took the clicker and changed the channel. He flipped past the Playboy channel a few times but he decided not to get into it. After a few minutes of thinking it over of course, he couldn’t help himself. He turned the volume down a bit because he didn’t want anyone to hear what he might be doing. He placed his beer on the nightstand and placed the bag of Fritos on the edge of the bed. He sat up, propped himself up on the pillows and removed his shirt. He took his hands and started massaging his chest.
“Ohhh…my hands are all greasy from those Fritos I’ve been eating” he exclaimed. “Kinda kinky!”
Still massaging his chest, he proceeded down to his stomach. He removed his boxer briefs, exposing his erect penis.
“Man, this is so hot!” he shouted. “Look at that guys cock! I wonder if that’s what I look like when I’m fucking Carolyn!”
Steve then took his hands and grabbed his penis. Right when he was getting really really into it, there was a knock on the door. He got really nervous and struggled to find his pants. Then, the door opened, and in walked Ed. Steve was sitting in the bed, with a pillow over his crotch with the Playboy channel still playing on the television in the background.
Ed laughed. “I can just fucking imagine what you were doing, man! Need a hand?”
“Shut up, Ed!” yelled Steve. “I didn’t get anywhere, because right when I was about to start jerking off, you walked in and ruined the whole thing!”
Ed started dying laughing. “Why do you have Frito crumbs all over your chest Steve?”
Steve looked down at his chest and tried wiping the crumbs off. He stood up.
“Woah!” Ed exclaimed. “I guess you are a big guy, huh?”
“You’ve seen me naked before, Ed!”
“No, Steve, not like this! I mean…holy Christ! I bet you would do just about anything for some pussy right now, huh?”
“You’re embarrassing me.” Steve said shyly.
“C’mon Steve! We’re best friends, its not like I haven’t seen your cock before! And you’ve seen mine! So there!”
“Ed,” replied Steve. “Look at the television!”
Ed sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the image of a woman fingering herself while sucking on a man’s well endowed cock.
“Mmmm….” Moaned Ed. “What I wouldn’t give for Natalie’s mouth right about now!”
He looked over at Steve who was now fully clothed.
“Why’d you get dressed?” asked Ed firmly.
Steve laughed. “Why? You want me to sit here and whack off in front of you?”
Ed licked his lips. “Sure! Why not?”
“Ed, you’re scaring me!” exclaimed Steve. “Are you serious?”
“Never been more serious, Steve!” he replied.
“Ok, but if we do this, I absolutely have to be drunk. No questions asked!”
Ed laughed. “Why? What are you expecting?”
“You tell me!” Steve replied. “Should I be scared?”
“Haven’t you noticed by now, Steve?” Ed whispered.
“What?” asked Steve. “Why are you looking at me like that, Ed?”
Ed started unbuttoning his shirt as he walked closer to Steve. “I can’t believe you haven’t noticed, man! I’m really attracted to you.”
Steve backed up and took a big gulp of his beer. “Well Ed,” he started.
“Well what, Steve? I want to show you what a good time is really like!”
Steve proceeded into the kitchen to get another beer. Ed followed.
“Steve,” started Ed. “Remember during the making of the 1997 Brian Wilson video when I necked with you?”
“Yeah, of course!” Steve chuckled.
“Well, that really turned me on Steve. And at all the shows…especially when we sing “One Week”, I really look forward to being able to kiss you after the geek dance. All I’m thinking about during that short hard kiss is how much I want to shove my tongue down your throat. And during the medleys, I get really really jealous when I see you touching Tyler’s ass like that. Steve. I want you. Bad.”
At this point, Steve was staring at Ed like he was some kind of monster.
“Are you drunk yet?” Ed asked. “When you are, I’m gonna fuck you so hard, Steve. You’ll love it!”
“Ed,” started Steve. “I don’t know if I agree with this. We are both married and have beautiful children!”
Ed looked over at the nightstand. “Why do you have an unopened box of condoms over there?” he asked.
“Tyler asked me to pick them up for him.” Steve replied. “Jill just got here. I guess they’re planning to get their freak on!”
Ed frowned. “I thought you bought them for me and you.”
“Ed, what I don’t understand is that, all of a sudden, after knowing you almost twenty years, you come in here and just tell me that you want to have sex with me!”
“Well, I saw you laying there looking oh so sexy. You were watching porn with your big hard dick in your hands. If you’re horny enough, I could jerk you off. That’s what I dream of Steve.”
“WHAT?” screamed Steve. “Ed! Go fuck off! Seriously!”
“Mind if I do it in front of you, Steevie bear? I bet you would like it!” Ed replied in a sexy voice.
“Ok really, Ed” Steve protested. “I think you should leave now!”
“Ok Steve. I’m off to my room. Gonna get out some Fritos and a
beer and start jerking off at the thought of you fucking me hard all night
Steve couldn’t help but crack a smile. But he still didn’t feel comfortable about this. “Ed, just please leave!” he demanded.
Ed turned around and gave Steve the saddest puppy dog face ever. Steve saw right through those big blue eyes and couldn’t help but feel bad about what he was doing.
“Ed!” Steve whispered in a sexy voice.
Ed turned around and watched as Steve started unbuttoning his shirt and giving him sexy looks.
“I’m all yours Ed, take me now!”