Jimalicious Porno
by Alicia
Jim was sitting on the couch in his hotel room, he was just staring at his double bass. He was looking at it up and down as if it were the Playmate of the year. “Mmmm, should I run out and get some mayonnaise, shouldn’t I?” Jim said to himself. “I’ll be right back you sexy bitch, so don’t you go anywhere, you hear me?” Jim walked out of his hotel room with out locking the door. Jim went to the general store down the street, they surely would have what he wanted, mayonnaise. He got to the store and found a jar and he carried it to the counter and paid for it.
“You seem really familiar...Oh my god! Aren’t you that guy from the 1-800-COLLECT commercials?” The cashier asked as Jim was about to make his exit.

 “Carrot Top?” Jim asked.

 “Yeah, him,” the cashier said. “But you cut your signature hair!”

 “Yeah, life’s rough like that. I better go before this mayonnaise spoils,” said Jim as he ran back to his hotel  room. Why had he just lied about being Carrot Top, oh well, it was too late now.

 He got to his hotel room and tried the door anyways to see if it was locked, and it wasn’t. Jim walked in and automatically looked for his double bass which had been propped  up in the corner. Jim searched franticly for his double bass.

“Granma?” Jim yelled franticly while searching each room. “Where’s Granma?!”  Tyler had heard Jim’s cries and ran to the rescue. “Have you seen Granma, Tyler?” Jim asked. Jim almost had tears in his eyes and was still holding the jar of mayonnaise.

 “Yeah, I have seen her...”Tyler then ran out of the toom and soon came back into the room lugging Jim's double bass behind him.

 “What, you stole granma?” yelled Jim.

 “Can we stop the yelling and go strait towards the spanking, I've been a very bad boy,” said Tyler.

 “What the fuck? Are you psycho? You seriously need help...Please, leave, there’s the door,” said  Jim pointing to the door. Tyler sadly exited the room.

 “I just thought that you’d want to get your freak on. I mean Steve touches my ass, I thought that you might like to for a change,” Tyler said then closed the door of Jim’s hotel room.

 “That guy is a freak...Now, where were we?” Jim asked his bass as he propped it back up in the corner. “Ah, I know, but let me put this jar of mayonnaise into the fridge.” Jim put the mayonnaise away then went back to his double bass. Jim then began staring his bass up and down once again. There  was another disturbance. Kevin then walked in. “Oh, Jim, I’m sorry I should have knocked. I didn’t know you were here. I was looking for some onion rings...Do you have any?”
“Mmm, sorry Kev, I only have mayonnaise, sorry,” replied Jim. Kevin then sadly left Jim’s hotel room.

 “Erg! Why does everyone keep leaving my hotel room upset!?! A is for asshole is which what I am how rude of me,” said Jim. He took a looks at his bass. “Not now!” He yelled. “I know, your upset with me too, I know why, no need for you to explain yourself. I should have never let you seen the mayonnaise. Why do you have to be so jealous?” Then Ed walked in.

 “Oh, sorry, did I interrupt something? It sounded like you were talking to someone,” explained Ed.

 “Nope, no one’s here...Hey, I bought some mayonnaise. I was thinking, since you enjoy it so much, if I could help you apply mayonnaise to your Speedo,” said Jim licking his lips as he stared Ed up and down.

 “Your so funny Jim, I needed a laugh, thanks Jim,” said Ed laughing and clutching onto his side. “But do you really have some mayonnaise, maybe Steve and I could use it.”

 “What? So now your letting Steve apply mayonnaise to your Speedo!?!” Jim said angrily.

 “Who said that? Who told you that? Who ever said it, it isn’t true, so get that out of your head Creeggan!” said Ed getting defensive.

 “No one, I was only joking,” said Jim lying to Ed, he really did think that Ed was letting Steve apply mayonnaise to his Speedo.

 “Oh, well, I need to get so mayonnaise to make Steve and I a ham sandwich, we’re really hungry,” said Ed. Jim sadly walked over to the fridge, opened the door and took out the jar of mayonnaise and tossed the jar to Ed. “Thanks Jim,” said Ed with a grin, he ran franticly down the hallway yelling, “Steve I got it!” Jim tilted his head and then closed the door to his hotel room in confusion to what had just happened. He locked the door this time and to be extra safe he put the do not desturb sign on the door. “Ahhh, now we’re finally alone!” Then the phone rang. Jim wondered if he should answer it, he decided he should, because what if it was Andy. He picked up the phone, “Hello?” he asked in a high pitched voice.
“Hey, babe, it’s Colleen, what’s up?” Asked the woman on the other end of the phone.
“Colleen, we broke up! Now, quit it...I’m trying to get down with  my bass here,” said Jim then angerly hung up the phone and grumbled. Why would Colleen call him anyways, she broke up with him, she had broken his heart and Jim thought  that he couldn’t trust another ever again. Jim swept his bass off the floor and brought it into the kitchen. He thought that he played the best when he was in the kitchen. He started playing the bass part for Thanks That Was Fun.  He was also singing Ed’s parts, just for fun. He got to the part where he sang, “Confusing lust for love.” Jim stopped playing his bass. Jim pondered at the thought of those lines. Was he confusing lust for love? Did he even love anyone besides granma?...Ed! He thought. He wanted Ed! Was that lust? He needed to talk to Ed right away. Jim unlocked all seven locks on the door and ran down the hallway until he reached Ed’s hotel room. He had One Week blaring. Odd, Jim thought, why would a band listen to their own music. Jim just walked right in, since that is what Ed had done to him earlier, to find Steve and Ed naked with their guitars playing One Week. “Wow! I guess you guys really are barenaked! Now I can see where you got the name!”
“Jim, we can explain!” exclaimed Steve putting down his guitar.
Jim just looked down at his feet not wanted to see his fellow band mates barenaked. “Okay, go on, explained yourselves.”

 “Ed, you explain it better, why don’t you?” asked Steve.

 “We just like...um...the cool feeling of the guitar pressed up against our naked cocks,” Ed  explained. He had made that up right on the spot, even though he really did like the feeling of his guitar on his naked body. “Don’t tell me that you have never played you bass in the nude!?!”

“Actually, Ed, no I haven’t,” Jim replied truthfully. Jim yearned to tell Ed the truth, that he would rather have his own naked body pressed up against Ed’s rather than Ned’s.

 “Mmhmm, well, we should have a party where we play all of our instruments in the nude. That would really be sexy,” said Ed.

 “And what, so you could make up raps about our nakedness!” Yelled Jim a little upset.

 “Jim, your getting a little testy there ,” said Steve trying to get Jim to calm down.

 “ Is that supposed to be some kind of joke, Steve?” Jim asked.

 “No, I’m sorry, I didn’t know what I was saying, I need to think before I speak,” said Steve getting into his boxers.

 “Jimmy, would you like to join us? Is that why you cam e here?” asked Ed.

 “Yeah, I came here to put on a nude concert for you guys,” said Jim sarcastically.

 “Yay! Strip for us Jimmy C,” yelled Ed swinging his short around.

 “Ed, we need to talk,” said Jim seriously.

 “We aren’t breaking up, are we?” Ed asked sounding serious then cracked up. Jim led Ed to the bedroom and closed the door behind them.

 “I’ve had several years to think about this, and Ed, I  think I have a crush on you. I mean, your everything I want. You’ve got the greatest eyes, they are so beautiful. And you took a chance on a dork like me. I know that isn’t right, but be with me tonight,” said Jim seriously.

 Ed just laughed at Jim. Jim leaned in to give Ed a kiss and Jim closed his eyes and he fell flat on his face on the bed since Ed had left Jim before Jim was able to give Ed a kiss. Ed had went back to Steve. Jim just laid on the bed for a few minutes and sighed. He then went back into the main room, he was looking down at the floor and he saw Steve’s boxers laying there on the floor, and Jim had remembered that Steve had put them back on when he and Ed had gone into the bedroom. He looked up onto the couch and saw Steve on top of Ed. Jim’s first reaction was to scream, but he decided to go back to his hotel room and get his video camera. He ran to his hotel room, and as he was gone Steve got up and locked the door to his hotel room. Jim came back to Steve’s hotel room door and tried the door, it was locked, so Jim started to video tape the door and the moans coming from Ed and Steve inside the hotel room. Then Tyler came out of his hotel room and sees Jim video taping Steve’s hotel room door. “What are you doing there Creeggan? Why don’t you video tape something more interesting?”

 “And what is more interesting than this, Tyler?” Jim asked.

 “Me, of course,” replied Tyler. Tyler then goes right up to the camera and says, “Creeggan, I want your sexy ass right now!”

 “Yeah, you’d make a great sex partner, you’re all prepared, you got condoms, Ty?” Jim  asked looking at  Tyler’s crotch and saw that Tyler had a huge boner.

 “Yeah, I have condoms, in my hotel room, with Jill. Creeggan, you take things too seriously, I just came out here to see what Steve and Ed were doing, but apparently, Steve is in there fucking his wife. If Steve is doing that then I don’t want to know what Ed is doing. I better go, Jill is waiting for my sexy ass to get back there,” said Tyler, and went back into his hotel room.
Jim was left alone at the door, he was thinking of what he should do. He had a brilliant idea, he was going to pretend that he was room service. He knocked on the door, “Room service,” Jim said in a high pitched voice. “Want me to jerk you up?” Damn, I shouldn’t have said that, thought Jim., now they aren’t going to let me in. Jim ran down to the main desk and asked for a key to Steve’s room and they refused. Jim ran back to Steve’s hotel room door with the video camera still running. Jim remembered that Kevin’s hotel room had a door leading to Steve’s room, so Jim knocked on Kevin’s door. Kevin answered the door with onion rings in his hand, “Hey Jim, what’s up?” Kevin asked.

 “Not now Hearn,” said Jim pushing Kevin out of the way. Jim ran to the door leading to Steve’s room. He opened the door slowly, and snuck up behind Steve and Ed and began video taping them. At first Ed and Steve didn’t notice Jim.  Then Ed looked up and saw Jim.

 “Creeggan, what, how did you get in here?” asked Ed.

 “Kev’s door of course, in his hotel room, he has a door leading to Steve’s room,” Jim replied with a grin.

 Steve snatched the video camera from Jim. “Ed, you know what would be sexy?...In the car, let’s go in the car,” said Steve. Steve got dressed and put the video camera down. Ed began to dress also.

 “You know what?” Ed asked as he and Steve were walking out the door. “I think video taping this occasion would be bitching! No one would find it. Let’s give Creeggan a thrill!” Steve nodded in agreement.  Ed went back into the hotel room and grabbed the video camera. He found Jim having a temper tantrum on the floor because Steve had taken his video camera away, Jim hadn’t notice that had had came back in to get the video camera. Ed made his exit and grabbed his car keys on the way out.

 They both got into Ed’s car. “Mmmm, Ed, your car smells so nice, nicer than mine anyways,” said Steve.

 “Yeah, Hannah gave me an apple scented car freshener for Christmas this year.  It’s great!” Replied Ed. “Thanks for noticing...But oyu know what really smells good?” Asked Ed. Steve looked blankly into Ed’s eyes. Ed leaned in and sniffed Steve. “You, you’re smelling quite awesome tonight.”

 “Oh thank you Edward...” Steve saidpressing play on Ed’s CD player, One Week began to play. Steve pressed forward on the player until  it reached In the Car.
“You know I wrote this song about me and you?” said Steve sexily.

 “Oh really? But we’ve never done anything in the car, that is, until tonight,” said Ed in a sexy voice.  “Are you going to sing to me or what? I mean, you do have the sexiest voice I’ve ever heard.”

 “Would you like to do more than mutual masturbation?” asked Steve taking some words from in the car.

 “Well, that is up to you. We can always change the lyrics to the song as we go,” said Ed then winked.

 “Ed, your surprising me tonight, I never thought you were so kinky. Doing it in a car and video taping it, hope I can handle all of this,” said Steve.

 “Are you saying your not up to it?” Ed asked. “I would never pressure you into anything.”

 “Does this answer your question?” said Steve putting the car into drive for Ed.  Ed gave Steve a warm smile.

 “Yeah, that does answer my question, but now, I have another, where are we to go?” Asked Ed.

 “Let’s go somewhere where no one would find us,” replied Steve.

 “I know the perfect place,” said Ed who changed the cd to the greatest hits album and played Lovers In a Dangerous Time. “Steve and I are lovers in a dangerous time!” Ed sang as he drove out of the hotel parking lot. They sat in silence the rest of the ride there. Then Ed parked the car when they reached a forest where no one would ever find them. “We’re here Steven,” Ed pointed out.

“Now what?”

 “Mmm, good question, it’s weird without all the interruptions,” Steve laughed.

“Should we start out making out or what? Blow job? What do you want to do Eddie?”

 “Steven Jay Page! You said a naughty word!” yelled Ed.

 “You need to spank me now, don’t you?” Asked Steve. “

 “Steven your a potty mouth tonight, now aren’t you!” Exclaimed Ed.

 “Well, Eddie, I seriously don’t know what to do anymore, since Creeggan isn’t here to...” Steve said unfinished, because Andy Creeggan was banging on the back window of Ed’s car. H was in full drag with  a bottle of wine in his hand, he could hardly keep his balance.

 “Mmm, speak of the devil,” said Ed.

 “The devil’s brother, you mean,” Steve corrected Ed.

 “Should we go help him?” Asked Ed as Andy passed out on the hood of his car.  Steve nodded. ed got out of the car and brought Andy into the back seat of the car.

 “This isn't going to make Jimmy’s porno look good,” said Steve.

 “No, but it’ll make it extremely interesting, “ Ed replied. “Let’s go back to out hotel rooms and make this porno right!”

 “Rock on!” Yelled Steve.

“What?!” Said an extremely drunken Andy. He passed out again a few moments later.

 “We better get him some where...I wonder how much alcohol he has had. Should we take him to the hospital?” Asked Steve caring about Andy’s well being.

 “Nah, he’ll be alright. We’ll just shove him into Creeggan’s bed, by tomorrow he’ll be fine. He needs a brother to take care of him anyways,” replied Ed.

 “You have such great ideas. Especially the One Week idea,” said Steve with a grin.

Ed and Steve didn't take a moment to notice that Andy was wearing a green dress, as they plopped Andy onto Jim’s bed. “Goodnight momma,” said Andy then
began lightly sucking on his thumb.

“Awwwww, how cute,” cooed Ed. Ed then took Steve’s hand and led him back to his hotel room with the video camera in his other hand. They both got into Ed’s room and Ed put the video camera on the counter positioned so it could view the couch. He turned it on once and again and led Steve to the couch. They were making out and Steve had just unbuttoned Ed’s pants and was just about to slide them off when Jim walked in.

 “Ed, do you have my mayona...” Jim stopped in mid-sentence. Jim noticed the video camera was on and he grinned. “Can I join in?”
“Um,” said Ed and glanced at Steve who was staring right back at him. Steve looked at Ed approvingly, but whispered to Ed that Jim should check on what’s in his room. “You should go back to your room first,” said Ed. “Then you can come back and join us.”
Jim gave a great sigh. Steve left with Jim because he had to get the mayonnaise that was in his hotel room. Jim stomped off to his room really slowly. The farmboy homeboy song came into his head, he did the famrboy homeboy dance as he went down the hallway, and as he danced he sang, “Yo, go with the flow my hair’s growin’ like an afro, do you wanna go, no you don’t have no, funny lookin’ girls hangin’ off your arm, I grew up on a farm, I’m a farmboy homeboy. Yo! Yo! Yo!
Give me pickles, cheese, a chips, prepared mustard. Give me a grilled one babe I’m gunna bust it up with flavor down with leather, come on Tyler let’s get it together!” Jim stopped singing and dancing and remembered what he was doing. He walked into his hotel room and looked around. He saw a man in a green dress on his bed. “Oh, Steve, you just couldn’t wait for me, now could you?” said Jim thinking that Andy was Steve. Andy let out a loud moan. Jim went over to the man
he thought was Steve. Jim started massaging “Steve’s” back. “Woah, your nor Steve, your too boney!” Yelled Jim. He then thought about the improv that they made up when they were in New York City, how Steve said that he was the thinnest member in the band, but he felt so bad that he had to stuff his shirt with a big foam pad. “Your so sneaky Steve, but I have to tell you that I have a crush on Ed. But maybe you’re the one I truly love.” Jim then got a whiff of Andy’s breath. “Woah. are you drunk Steve? I saw you a few minutes ago and you were sober.” Jim took the man that was under him and turned him over and was shocked to see that it wasn’t Steve that it was Andy. Jim gasped. How could he do that, and with his own brother. He ran back to Steve and Ed’s hotel room. Steve was applying mayonnaise to Ed’s crotch. The video camera was still on. “Let me join in!” Yelled Jim. “I don’t want the camera on though!” Jim said, he thought he shut the camera off, but he pressed the zoom button by mistake. Jim went over to Ed and got on his knees and began licking the mayonnaise off of Ed’s erect cock.
“Steve! Why the hell are you letting Creeggan do this to me when you could be!” Yelled Ed. “Mmmm, that feels good, Creeggan,” moaned Ed. Steve looked at Ed
disappointingly. Steve wanted so badly to shove Creeggan aside, but he looked at how pleased Ed and wasn’t able to do that to his firend, his lover. His band mate, Jim was, he was, he was going his dream to him lover. Steve yearned to yell at Jim, but his reasons for to yell at him made him seem greedy. Then he thought is it so greedy to want the one that you love and the one that loves you to yourself. What kind of fucked up relationship did Steve and Ed have? Steve thought if he couldn’t have Ed to himself he didn’t want Ed at all. Steve walked out the door, but before he was out the door Steve noticed that the video camera was still on.
“Uh, Jim?” Steve said.

 “I’m busy!” Jim yelled.

 “This is important! Um, you didn’t want to video tape this, but um, you didn’t shut the video camera off,” Steve replied. Jim ran frantically around the hotel room knocking plants and lamps over.
“I don’t want to be in my own porno movie!” Shrieked Jim. Jim took his camera and ran out of the room. He shut the camera off, “I hate you! I hate you!” Jim
screamed as he hurled the video camera into his suitcase. “I’m auctioning you off on E-bay tonight!” Yelled Jim. Jim went over to his lab top and turned on the internet and went to E-bay. He punched in the item he wanted to auction off.  He was going to give the camera up to the first bidder. Kevin was actually the first bidder, but Jim didn’t know that. When the Barenaked Ladies all got home Jim put his video camera into a  box and sent it off to E-bay, which they would send it to the first bidder which was Kevin.
When Kevin got the box that contained the camera he opened it and found that the video camera still had a tape in it. He decided to call all his band mates over so they could watch the video together. They all came over and they were all sitting around Kevin’s television set and Kevin popped the video tape into the VCR. It was the sex tape of Steve and Ed. Jim fainted. Steve and Ed just stared at each other in confusion because they didn’t know how Kevin had gotten that tape. Kevin ran to his bathroom . And Tyler’s eyes just widened in amazement. “Little Jimmy’s first porno! You’re going to make great porno film director,” said Tyler patting Jim on his back unaware that Jim had fainted, because his eyes were still fixed on the television.