It's Only Kevin (The Wizard of Orgasmland)
by Driver

Hola. I wrote this a while back. It's sorta a "what-if" if Kevin tried masturbation for the first time. It's actually funnier than you might think. I interject humour into all my stories, and personally I think that sometimes it ruins them. I hope y'all can enjoy this. Don't hate me for making Kevin innocent, btw. That's just the way I like him. "Like a virgin, touched for the very first time." Or, as Steve said, "I'm so bad that I do it like a virgin every
night." Please remember that I have a life, that I don't think of Kevin 24/7, and that this is just... uhm... fake. BNL are indeed NOT mine, got it?!
Now, enjoy!

Kevin kept checking the blinds on the tour bus, watching out for the other members of BNL. He wanted to make sure they weren’t anywhere around him before he started his experimentation. For the longest time, Kevin had wanted to try masturbation, to figure out what was the big deal. Sometimes he felt like such a loser. In his life, he had only been with a few girls, but never had sex. He figured he probably had about 5 orgasms in his life. Just as much as the next guy, he really enjoyed the feeling of getting off.

So, when the topic of masturbation techniques came up in the tour bus, Kevin had no idea what was going on or what they were talking about.

Kevin let out a small sigh and started looking through Ed’s porno collection.

“God, this stuff is disgusting. Can’t I just get one chick who’s naked and perhaps... playing with herself? No, it has to be hanging flank steaks and peeing on people. That’s so gross!!!” Kevin looked around to make sure no one was hearing what he was saying. In fact, he couldn’t believe he was saying half this stuff. Picking up a Playboy magazine, he thumbed through it until he found a picture that tweaked his imagination.

The picture had a woman playing with herself, her head arched back and she looked to be moaning.

Kevin started thinking about the woman getting off as she played with herself, and soon he could feel arousal setting in. He looked down at his member and was unhappy to find it still soft. Of course, he didn’t need to look down to know that. Again, Kevin sighed. Perhaps this whole masturbation thing just wasn’t for him.

“God, this is hard. I can’t do this.” He frowned at himself and went to put down the Playboy, as he did this he saw a stack of gay magazines in Ed’s wardrobe. It was then he realized he should go back to his own bunk. He grabbed the first magazine off the stack and brought it to his bunk.

“Man, I don’t understand the concept of a bunk whack. How could you do anything in this small space?” He shrugged his shoulder and started to look at the guys masturbating other guys in the magazine.

Soon, Kevin was feeling a tingling sensation his crotch. It was the same feeling he got when his member would spring to life. All the blood rushed to his crotch and he had the sudden urge to grab it. At first he was a little embarrassed and almost began thinking about his accordion to stop it from getting hard. He then remembered why he was reading
the porn.

He started rubbing the outside of his boxers where the outline of the head of his penis was. There was a weird damp feeling and Kevin wondered if he had peed himself accidentally. Putting his hand in his boxers, he rubbed the wetness and brought his fingers to his nose. It was a musky smell, it wasn’t like the salty smell of urine.

“Oh god, I’m leaking...” Suddenly, Kevin was scared. “I must be doing something wrong.” Then, he thought back to all those conversations he’d overheard between Steve and Ed about using precum as a lubricant. He wondered if this was precum. He brought
his fingers to his mouth and tasted the substance.

“Well now, that’s definitely not pee... not that I’ve tasted my pee. I’m being incriminating to myself!” Kevin was beginning to consider the fact that he was talking to himself as weird.

“I have to stop doing that...”

Finally getting back to the subject at hand, he put his hand down his boxers and pulled his member out. It was hard enough that it stood straight up as he was lying down. He put his hand around it and tried to jerk it as he remembered it being called. As soon as he started jerking it, he realized how fucking much that hurt.


He tried stroking it like he had also heard.

“That tickles,”

Finally, he rubbed the precum off the tip of his penis and used that as lubrication. He slid it over the shaft of his penis and started sliding his hand carefully up and down his hardness. Up and down and up and down was beginning to get tedious, until he realized he could shift his member so that it was laying up against his stomach.

“Ahh, that’s much better!”

Soon he was sliding his hand up and down as fast and as hard as the feelings inside him warranted. He discovered that the closer to the head he got, it would feel so much better. Placing his palm over the head of his member, he started to rub it across. He never knew that touching himself could be so arousing and so much fun. Soon he was jerking off like he’d been doing it forever. In no time, Kevin was orgasming. His cum shot forward and landed somewhere on his chest.

Kevin looked at the white puddle on his chest and got a disgusted look on his face.

“Eww... no wonder you need to prepare for this!”

He slid his boxers back up and got off the bunk to go to the bathroom to clean up. As he was standing up, the cum still on his chest, he heard Ed walking through to his private compartment.

Ed shot Kevin a glance. “Hey Kev, is that... hair gel?"

In a surreal “There’s Something About Mary,” moment, Kevin widened his eyes and stopped Ed’s hand which was reaching over to touch his chest.

“Get yer hands off my chest!”
“Jeez... I just wanted to see what was on your... Hey, why don’t you have a shirt on? Did you just get up?”
“Well... I suppose I did...”
And so, Ed walked off to his bunk, laughing to himself.

Minutes later...
“Hey, where’s my porno mags?!”

THE END... or is it? Yeah, it is... lol