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Steve just looked at me, trying to figure out what to say. Surprisingly, he was speechless, something that I had only seen happen to the guy once. I guess, though, if the roles were reversed, and he had just told me what I had just told him....well, I suppose I'd be stunned too.
"Four years?" Steve finally said.
"Four," I replied, talking the last swallow of bourbon from my glass.
"And not once?"
"Not once."
"And Jeff never noticed?"
"Well, I finally figured out he didn't care." I grabbed a cigarette from the pack on the table between us and lit it, taking a drag and handing it to Steve. We were both trying to quit, so what we did was split cigarettes, alternating hits. Truthfully, I think we were smoking more, but that was the last thing on my mind right now. I had a hard time meeting Steve's eyes. Even though he was my best friend, even though we had known each other since the third grade and knew every last detail of each others lives, I still couldn't meet his eyes.
"Look, Ahnka, I'm sure if you talked to him...."
"Steve, love, how would you suggest I broach the subject of complete lack of physical gratification on my part? 'Hey Jeff! Did you see the game last night? Yeah, our boys looked great. Oh, by the way, have you noticed that in the four years we've been dating I've never had an orgasm?'"
"Maybe talk about the game a bit more," Steve said, with a huge grin. "Why didn't you say something sooner? To me, I mean?"
I sighed and pulled on the cigarette, realized I was bogarding it, then passed it over to Steve. I exhaled and watched the plume of smoke dissipate before I said anything.
"I guess I was just embarrassed. I mean, it seemed so trivial....you were going through that big hoorah with Jane, and then Kevin's ordeal. With that, well, obviously I'm not going to say anything when there's a damn good chance one of our friends could die..." I shook my head. I wouldn't have said anything anyway, if Jeff, my dear, darling, *Ex*-boyfriend, hadn't been gettin' his freak on with, of all people, Steve's ex, Jane. I walked in on them, then walked out, drove to Steve's house, and gushed. I told him everything, including the fact that Jeff was concerned with only himself during sex. After four years, I think I was probably the most sexually frustrated person on the planet.
"Why didn't you just get yourself off?" Steve asked as he flipped the cigarette off the porch.
"That's really not my bag, baby," I said. "I mean, I tried and all, but I guess I don't turn myself on."
Steve laughed and poured another dollop of bourbon into our glasses. "God, I'm surprised you haven't exploded. I know I sure would have by now."
"Nah, you're strong enough to last," I said. "Your balls, on the other hand...."
Steve gave me a sly grin and pushed his glasses up on his nose. I took a long sip of my drink and tried to relax. I really loved sitting on Steve porch, especially on nights like these. It was the middle of July, a warm, humid night....a thunderstorm was starting to form off to the west, we could see the flashes of lightning over the trees. We needed the rain, if anything to try and break the humidity.
"Look, Ahnka...you can't let this bother you so much," Steve said, knowing me well enough to know that I was getting very, very close to tears. "He's just an asshole."
"I noticed," I said around the lump in my throat. Against my will, tears started rolling down my cheeks. Steve rose from his chair and came over to me, crouching in front of me and pulling me into his arms. I put my head on his shoulder and sobbed. "He used me..." I blubbered, "and I was to fuh..fuh....fucking blind" sniffle "to see it!"
"Ahnka, honey, don't." Steve smoothed my hair with is hand and rocked slowly from side to side, like a father trying to calm a child. I realized that Steve would make a great father when I noticed that I was calming down a bit. I unburied my face from his neck and propped my chin on his shoulder, wrapping my arms around his neck. Tears were still streaming from my eyes, but I had calmed enough to say "All the years I was with him, it's like I was utterly alone....and I'm so tired of it."
"I know, honey," Steve said. "I know."
"How could I have been such a fool?" I can't say I was expecting an answer, but Steve gave me one anyway.
"Because you wanted to be."
I stiffened and pulled away from his embrace. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?" I demanded.
"No," Steve said. "But you've always said you appreciate my honesty. Ahnka, there must be a very good reason why you didn't come to your senses sooner. You just don't know what it is."
"Great, one psychology class and you think you're Sigmund Fuckin' Freud." I fished for another cigarette and lit it, pondering just how much of a bitch I must sound. "God, Steve, I'm sorry. I just..I don't know...I feel like such an ass."
"Hey, it sounds like Jeff and Jane deserve each other. She said she faked every orgasm she had while we were dating, so they'll make a great couple."
"She said she faked them? That's not what she told me."
Steve looked at me expectantly. "Well, just what did she say?"
"Well, that you had great lips," which I agreed with. I mean, Steve and I had never kissed, other than a quick peck, but even just looking at them would make a nun hot.
"What else?" he asked.
"That your cock, while not being overly long, was thick and good at hitting 'that' spot, and hit it right. Those're her exact words. So I'm thinking if you're hitting 'that' spot, she wasn't faking."
"Really?"
"Really," I said. "That's just how it works, as far as I remember." I shrugged. "I'm a little fuzzy on it though," I said with a laugh.
"All I know," Steve said, getting up and going back to his chair, "is the first time you get fucked, properly, that is, you're gonna go off like a petrol-soaked fireworks factory."
"And considering it's going to be four years before I even get close to another guy...."
"With that attitude, it will be."
I shook my head. "It's not just because of Jeff. It's a lot of things, really. I mean, I'm 26 years old and don't seem to be doing much with my life. Hell I never officially graduated college..." (I need to pay off about $300 worth of parking tickets) "I just think I need to get my head straight before I try to do the whole love-life thing. I spent four years being miserable, and not even knowing it. Maybe that's a sign that I have a lot of growing up to do."
The phone rang, and Steve grabbed the handset
"Hello?...uh...no, I haven't.....honestly.....uh-huh...sure I will......the next time I see her.....yeah, sure."
Steve pressed end on the cordless and put it back on the table. I looked at him in askance. "Remind me next time I see you to tell you to call Jeff. "
"Sure won't," I said. I glanced at my watch. "Let's see...I got here shortly after 6, and it's now twenty passed 11. Wow, it only took him five hours to figure out the first place I'd show up is over here."
"Blondes," Steve said. I looked at him from the corner of my eye, and pointed his attention to his spiky blonde hair.
"I don't count," he said. Why I asked why, he said, sounding much like the little boy I grew up with "Cause I don't."
I raised my glass to him, smiling. "I love you, Steve," I said.
He raised his glace and gently knocked it against mine. "I love you
too, Ahnka."